| london |
[Feb. 3rd, 2008|02:31 am] |
| [ | music |
| | If I Die On You - Karl Blau | ] |
I am lying awake in bed, listening to a tap tap taping that could be the rain or one of my housemates having sex. I tell myself it is the rain, because it rains pretty often, and it has been raining hard recently.
I can't sleep. Maybe it's the fact that I have had too much coffee to drink today, but the minutes feel like hours feel like days: time really has been getting the best of me. So here I am, lying awake in bed, with nothing left to do but listen to that sentence spin around in my head.
"On a scale of one to seven, how happy are you?"
Posed to me in a questionnaire about gender issued in my Human Sex and Sexuality course, I was fairly certain that this question was a distractor, that it would have no effect on the outcome of the survey, but the question sits in my hypothalamus, like shrapnel left to infect the wound that is my psyche. It's implications pang through me at the most arbitrary of times. As quickly as they come, they go, leaving me in a state of shock, uncomfortably numb.
It was an hour ago that I finished watching a movie. During the film, I was suspended in a plot full of intrigue and violence, the discourse of vengence and justice, among other cleverly interwoven tropes. So suspended was I that I was able to lift the veil of disbelief, feeling something for the characters, for their struggle and strife and shortcomings and success, temporarily substituting it for my own.
At its conclusion, I was struck with a waning feeling, the warmth the film had bestowed upon me was fading like the last coals of a dying bonfire. I cleaned the coffee table, bringing in to the kitchen the dishes and debris left by my negligence and lethargy over the course of the day, loading the lot into the dishwasher for more delayed action. I went back out to the living room to grab a few more remnants and a water glass.
I placed the glass in the sink, and turned on the tap. I stood still as the water flowed into the cup, and my mind went blank. The coals burned out. There was a surreal silence permeated only by the tap tap tapping of raindrops and the oceanic sounds of a nearby wet freeway. The silence was deafening all the same, signifying the feeling of anxiety on its way.
I was still immobile as it first hit me. As I write now, I have to light a cigarette to try to find the words to describe the thoughts that followed that first silence. It was as if I had it figured out for a second. I grasped what I feel like I constantly yearn for, some kind affirmation of everything. The water poored over the edges of the glass as I stood dumbfounded, grappling with the ubiquitous totality I thought I could only dream of.
And I don't know if it's my brain or my soul, my mind or my body, but I couldn't accept it. Rather than having my reality upturned or reaffirmed, it simply passed through the moment. And that was the moment. No, moment is not the appropriate term - because the sensation was both timeless and confined. The revelation did not occur, but it flowed through me as I stood still staring at the kitchen sink, painfully aware of everythings transience.
I think I felt infinity, and I don't really know what to do about it.
I can't seem to find my number within the confines of this scale. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|03:25 pm] |
i want a band, its really as simple as that.
matt brought his drums up from home a few weekends ago, and all i want to do is play them. and all i do do is play them. but its so unsatisfying to play them without making music. so i want a ban.
may the friends with benefits collective be born, and shall our music be (insert positively denotative adjective). |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|12:44 pm] |
i've been recording a little music here and there, and it would be cool if you check it out.
www.myspace.com/bgfm |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2007|03:36 pm] |
i wish i was at a rave right now.
but i also can't imagine trying to go to another rave for a while.
sigh |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2007|02:34 pm] |
im a bad captain i know
im a bad captain i know
im a bad captain i know but
the sooner we fail boys, the sooner we go home. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|10:45 am] |
I recently awoke, and am currently lying in bed, and I have noted to myself that I haven't updated any form of internet journal in a long time. In fact, all summer. So, I suppose I feel obligated to do so now, as everyone in my house is asleep, yet I remain stoned and anxious under the covers.
First Year of College: Check.
moved back to arroyo grande
worked at mo's (again)
maui, fun in the sun with the fam
back to the 805
chill every day, party every night.
(midsummer)
work. work. work. 40+ hours a week.
disneyland! (thizneyland)
work.
found a house!
529 Park Way, Santa Cruz CA.
So that is more or less a brief summary of my summer. im sure i am missing a lot, but its the general idea. Since leaving AG again for Santa Cruz, I have really become comfortable in my new home. Lots of people have been visiting; we average probably 3 or 4 parties a week. Peter and the CMA sailors came down, we had a 3 day party that was memorable beyond belief. Birthday parties, barbeques, days at the beach, days at the farm, nights at the beach, disco parties, train tracks, bridges, cars, beer, techno, skateboards, bliss.
call me ignorant, because i sure do feel the bliss. |
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| minima moralia - the grassy hill |
[May. 22nd, 2007|10:52 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Arcade Fire, The Blow, The Unicorns | ] |
three cheers for my parents
and all their failed experiments
I have joined a volunteer organization, WSWA, and I feel really good about it. We are a labour group, and it really seems to be an ethical and effective movement. I am working three days a week, as of this week.
but as for me...
im listening to the blow.
when your holding me
we make a pair of parentheses
...
if something in the deli aisle
makes you cry
of course ill put my arm around you and walk you outsie
through the sliding doors, why would i mind?
I've been doing a lot of reading recently. Currently, the Bacchae by Euripides, for my classical myth class. Its all about Dionysus, and a Bacchae (revelrous festival) and it reminds me of a lot of things. Different experiences, who mirror events described in the play to a surprising degree, in a surprisingly historical document.
and adorno. the second prose-poem in minima moralia has to be one of my favorite readings as of late.
and althusser. all these ISA's and RSA's have got me feeling crAzy. The more I read, the more I know.
Plus je lis, plus je sais de choses. Thats the superlative. In french. It's what im learning.
i predict i die
in a plane crash
i see it now
i die in a car on tour
...
do do do do or die
its true
do do do do or die
so do you
i guess its cool to finish with the unicorns.
one more breath! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2007|03:46 pm] |
when i woke up
no one spoke up
so i toked up
im ok
im ok
hey!
bottle of wine
right on time
feeling fine
hey!
in too deep
trying to sleep
my friends are meek
im ok
im ok
hey!
wake up alone
still feeling stoned
always at home
hey!
wake up for class
i know ill pass
don't let this pass
hey!
just one more day
im ok
just one more day
im ok
im ok
hey!
when i woke up
no one spoke up
so i toked up
hey! |
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devantgarde's journal
